Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize