morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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