You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
