That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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