I wish my penis had an off switch
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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