she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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