My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
