Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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