Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
