dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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