Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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