Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
