I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
