Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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