They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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