wakey wakey hands off snakey
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
