operation harelip BJ is a go
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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