Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
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