Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
