Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You ate ashes out of my bong
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
