I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
