Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
