You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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