Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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