I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
