Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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