The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm both gender and math confused
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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