I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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