I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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