I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
