I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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