What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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