Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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