Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
