He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
