did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
His nipple licking is glorious
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
