I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
