I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
