oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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