apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
