just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
