You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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