how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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