a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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