Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
