Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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