i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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