I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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