I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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