My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My vagina is officially offended.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
how does that bad decision feel?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
