So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
