Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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