Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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