before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
