i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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