god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize