I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
