While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
